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[27 Oct 2002|02:37am] |
Being alone isnt all that bad... I wake up alone.. I sleep alone.. sometimes when i dream.. I find myself alone.
I come home to my cat. Ive grown fond of her.
I hate myself.
The only people who matter to me are gone... They have found something better...
I hate allowing myself to be so vulnerable to certain people. They only shoot me down by completely disregarding everything ive said.. or some lack of attentivness...
The world shits, and i stand here with my mouth open.
Tomorrow I'll look in the mirror.. "whos going to love you" says the reflection.. and i will hide.......
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[15 Sep 2002|10:57pm] |
Yves Saint Laurent
Haute mode..
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| Lay me down to sleep... |
[05 Aug 2002|06:24pm] |
Been sleeping too much....
stress level is high, but imanage to carry on with a smile..
Things will change.. soon i hope...
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| Its been a while.. |
[02 Aug 2002|04:22am] |
since my move across the fucking country. CA to NY...
I have had less nightmares.. i dont wake up screaming "fuck you" i dont grind my teeth as much... I would normally dream of me yelling at my father.. everything i didnt dare say to him or do would be said and done in my sleep. I cant figure out why im so angry with him.. child to adult.. I was always daddys little girl.. trying too hard to please him.. never getting a pat on the back when accomplishing hard tasks.. never being encouraged to carry on with anything i started. Nothing. Nothing.. i admired him, and i wasnt good enough. I sometimes wonder if im allowed to call him daddy, or even bare his name Here i am daddy... Miles away from you.. distracted.. time to time i think of you.. every second my heart misses you... but i dont miss being a burden...Dont hate me because i Love you.
I called my Mom...
I used to dread talking to her.. and now.. what seems to be millions of miles away.. I look forward to her ramblings.. I miss her so... we have a good relationship sometimes.. as long as everything is about her- shes okay.. Ive learned how to speak to her.. I relate my life to whats going on in hers.. and when done that way.. i can communicate my problems, goodtimes, and life. she called my father a bastard I dont think hes a bastard
My sister-
I miss her, and my baby nephew... what i'd give to hold both in my arms and touch the faces of the ones i love the most.. I cry silently when i hang up.. I dry my eyes and carry on. Shes taking car of my cat... I miss the bitch-beast.. I miss being annoyed by her jumping on the walls.. attacking imaginary birds.
Most of all..I miss...
my old self. i miss me.. im not used to this change..
I am sick..
Not just homesick.. literally sick.. when i am sick... i progress into critical and serious illness... bad immune system. Last time i had a cold.. i ended up with a lung infection.. and much worse.. I have a cold.. im keeping warm.. I have no doctor here.
I want to be home. or in the arms of someone i know.
I think i'm going to Texas for a visit. Exciting- if i dont die from this hellish cold.
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| Eyelids are falling |
[01 Aug 2002|01:41pm] |
Spent a great deal of time creating and decoding... hours and hours.. Eyes glued to the monitor... and now.. i feel like they are going to peel off.. I have no friends on here yet, at least for this journal.. this is my 3rd journal..
I suppose 2 arent good enough...
Today I'm a bit bugged out by a lot of issues.... random things have been brought to my attention... Such things have been teasing my brain... as soon as i get all this computer graphic shit done..I'll return to post again. However, I do not see it mattering... I am only talking to myself.. i dont mind..
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